


Get a Grip

by Floranna



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 08:16:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11687664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floranna/pseuds/Floranna
Summary: Commander is not smooth nor skilled in any of this type of...stuff.





	Get a Grip

**Author's Note:**

  * For [boshtet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boshtet/gifts).



> Kerlyssa was my amazing beta. Without her this would have been even a bigger mess.

It wasn’t like this was her first crush on a fellow soldier. There had been several, some that passed quickly, some that she acted on, and some she didn’t.  
  
But this was the first time that it was towards someone who was in the same ship and under her command.  
  
Jane tried to stomp down her feelings, to act professionally but in the same friendly manner as she treated everyone on her ground crew, and hoped that none of her feelings would show. A long time ago, when she still lived on the streets of San Francisco, Jane had sworn that she would never become a person who would use her power and influence to pressure, or more accurately, force, someone to have sex with her. She would rather shoot herself in the head than sink that low.  
  
It didn’t matter if sometimes Ashley would seem to get closer to her than it was strictly proper, if Jane was just a bit more casual with her than any of the others… She was only enjoying being under command of a person who didn’t care a whit for her family legacy. The relieved look on her face when Jane had said that she would have made exactly the same decisions as the General Williams.  
  
Things continues in this stalemate for a while, until Virmire. That miserable, thrice-damned rock could be swallowed by angry ducks or whatever for all she cared.  
  
And when it had come time to choose… It had been easy. Easy, and still so difficult. The guilt of leaving Kaidan to die was immense, but she still felt like such a hypocrite. Jane had ordered men to their deaths before, but this time… When Ashley had yelled at her, saying that Kaidan was a superior officer and it should had been her left behind, Jane knew she was right. It was what almost all regulations demanded and if she was still an Alliance soldier and not a Spectre, she would likely have been court-martialed.  
  
Jane would have still chosen the same, no matter what.  
  
After all that, the relationship between her and Ashley got strange. There was tenseness that hadn’t been there before, but Ashley still followed her orders and none of their missions suffered from it. But something had changed and Jane had no idea where it would lead.  
  
Later, the Citadel was stormed by Geth, husks and a giant-ass Reaper, the Council was saved, Udina got a seat in the Council, and Reapers were coming. A lot of her crew dispersed, but Ashley was one of those who stayed.  
  
Then the Normandy was attacked and she died. At least Ashley had survived.  
  
***  
  
After waking up and being forced into the mission that Cerberus wanted her to complete, and being in the new Normandy, she often found herself standing in front of a mirror, cataloguing the differences. No matter how many times Miranda assured otherwise, she could not dispel the thought that she wasn’t actually the original, just a copy with all the original’s memories attached to it.  
  
When she thought of actually being the real Shepard, the rare bout of anxiety threatened to swallow her whole. What made her so special that she deserved to be resurrected? She was an excellent soldier, and most likely even a very good spectre, even if somewhat unorthodox in her ways. Jane had helped to save the Citadel, but all in all other people could have continued on the road she started. There was no need to spend billions to a project that might have never reached its desired conclusion.  
  
She didn’t trust Cerberus. They had spent so much on her, gave her the ship for free, and then said that she would need to go to save a bunch of colonists? Oh, Jane had no complains on the mission, but she remembered Rear Admiral Kahoku and his fate. She knew that at one point, they would demand their repaymentand it would be nothing she would be willing to give.  
  
Terrorists were always the same.  
  
Getting Garrus and Tali back helped her anxiety immensely, and the other team members slowly grounded her, ensuring her stability. She was grateful for it, truly.  
  
Especially after Horizon.  
  
It shouldn’t have been a surprise. Hell, if Jane was in her shoes, she would have probably acted the same.  
  
It still felt like she had been stabbed in the heart.  
  
Not long after that, everything started to fall apart. They managed to destroy the Collector Base, but her actions in the Bahak system had gotten her into house arrest. It could have been worse. She might have been convicted of mass murder.  
  
When the Reapers finally came, a small, dark part of her felt like pointing and laughing. _You all thought I was crazy, huh? Who is a fool now?_  
  
Getting to see Ashley again felt like doing red sand. Not like jane had ever done it. For sure. Jane was thirsting to finally have a serious talk with her, but then of course Ashley ended up hurt. Badly. Full recovery dubious.  
  
Sometimes Jane thought that the whole universe wanted her to be miserable.  
  
She did grow a new appreciation towards poetry, if anything positive could be said about this. Reading them out loud at Ashley’s bedside while she was in a healing coma was strangely relaxing. It helped to calm her mind, and to take distance from the awful reality that was outside. Sometimes she felt like she could stay here forever, but nothing good could last.  
  
So when Ashley finally woke up, her anxiety came back in full force.  
  
The awkwardness would surely kill her, Jane was sure of it and tried to act like a calm, cool Spectre everyone thought she was.  
  
Ashley starting the conversation felt like a blessing.  
  
“Why did you join Cerberus?”  
  
Dear old Ashley, blunt as always, Jane thought wryly, and considered, hesitating. Ashley looked at her, her patient gaze clear even with all the bruises.  
  
“I…don’t really know.”  
  
Now she looked annoyed. “That is a cop out answer and you know it.”  
  
Jane gave her a mock glare and twisted her hands on her lap. “I do not have a good, clear answer. When I woke up, there was a firefight and an actual fire, then they told me about kidnapped colonists and asked for me to save them.”  
  
Jane took a deep breath, trying to figure out how to continue. Ashley didn’t say anything, waiting for her to continue.  
  
“And the crew and the team… I found Garrus first. And after he agreed to come, and some other non-humans popped in, it was easier to ignore the fact that it was Cerberus who gave me all that. And in every mission, I got to make my own decisions, for good or bad. They had no hold over me.”  
  
Even after all this time, it was still hard to put it into words, but Jane tried, for Ashley.  
  
“I…felt more like a Spectre than ever before then. It didn’t help that everyone else seemed to have taken my warnings as a joke, and Cerberus was the only one actually doing something…”  
  
Jane couldn’t leave out the last truth, no matter how stupid and selfish.  
  
“I didn’t want to lose the Normandy again.”  
  
Hearing that, Ashley’s face closed off. Jane tensed, waiting for a berating. Nothing came. Ashley turned her head towards the window and said: “I wish to rest now”.  
  
Jane nodded in understanding and left, heart being torn in half.  
  
After that, everything started to pick up speed. Attacks became more numerous and powerful, Ashley got out of the hospital, the fate of the Krogans was decided, Ashley was made a Spectre, Mordin died…  
  
The moment Jane started to think that she was getting a hang of this, the Council was attacked. Again. By fucking Cerberus. And Thane was hurt badly.  
  
At least she didn’t have to shoot Ashley. Jane did regret what happened to Udina. That bastard had started to grow on her like some sticky fungus.  
  
When Ashley had asked to join Normandy once again, Jane had agreed almost embarrassingly quickly. The smile on Ashley’s face made Jane feel slightly faint.  
  
Everything started to become routine after that. Witness a terrible atrocity, fight husks, witness another terrible atrocity, fight some other type of Reaper-monster, see another completely new atrocity… Yawn.  
  
She was sitting at the observation deck, looking at the stars when Ashley came in and sat next to her. Jane looked at her but said nothing.  
  
It didn’t take long for Ashley to open her mouth: “I understand why you did it”.  
  
Jane blanked completely, and it must have shown on her face when Ashley rolled her eyes and clarified: “Why you worked with Cerberus.”  
  
Oh. “Oh.” Jane tried to figure out something good to say. “Thanks.” Nailed it.  
  
Ashley looked fond, making her stomach do somersaults. She reached towards Jane’s hand and squeezed it twice. Jane squeezed back, feeling like a stereotypical teenager. When Ashley lifted their hands and gave a light kiss on the back of her hand, Jane froze, unable to do anything. A look of doubt flashed at Ashley’s face, followed by horror. Ashley stuttered: “I – I am sorry, I read everything wrong – God…” and stood up quickly, looking like she was going to run.  
  
Move you goddamn moron, you are going to destroy everything! Flipped through her mind and somehow she managed to snatch the edge of Ashley’s shirt before she got too far.  
  
Ashley looked more terrified than she had ever seen her, but no words came to her mind. Luckily, this time she might not need any words, stood up and kissed the other woman. She quickly reciprocated and they kept kissing for what it felt like hours.  
  
Until Tali walked in and let out a huge squeal, making them stop and ensuring that everyone in the ship found out. Not like anyone was even surprised, apparently. It seemed that there had even been a betting pool, to the new couple’s mortification.  
  
***  
  
Only a bit later Jane stood in front of the Crucible with nothing but impossible decisions ahead and thought: “I am sorry Ashley”, and chose.

**Author's Note:**

> Halfway through I realized that this is a twoshot. This is the beginning.
> 
> (I hope you aren't mad?)


End file.
